Butter My Biscuit
by Daktasinsanity
Summary: Levi and Eren are baking cookies. Eren cannot help himself from trying to make everything into an innuendo. Involves bad puns, pick up lines and horrible tries of seduction.


**AN:** I apologize in advance because this is so bad. Omg. But the most important thing is that I had fun with this.

I noticed I had not published this one-shot here on FFnet so here you go!

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**Butter My Biscuit**

A handful of flour flew on the floor.

"Damn brat, stop spreading things around like that!"

"I'm sorry, I must have tripped." Eren did not sound apologetic at all.

Levi took the bowl from Eren. "I'll do it if you cannot even put things into it correctly." He had given Eren the task of measuring flour into a bowl and mixing it with the baking soda but the brat had already made a mess.

"I know how to put things in."

Levi ignored his comment. "Whip the eggs with the sugar," Levi commanded the younger man.

"Oh, I'll whip it good, sugar cake," Eren's voice dipped low.

"What?" Levi turned quickly to glare at Eren.

"Nothing." Eren pretended not to have said anything at all.

Levi narrowed his eyes at Eren before continuing to measure the flour into the bowl. The young man did as he was told, mixing the sugar with the eggs and started whipping them. Levi waited him to complain about the taxing task but Eren did not.

"Done," Eren gave him the now foamy egg-sugar thing.

"Not bad." It looked just as it should.

"It's all in the wrist." Eren wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Levi gave him a are-you-serious look. "Then use that wrist of yours and gently mix the butter in."

"Apply the butter in gently, got it," Eren sounded very pleased with himself.

"What is it with that tone of yours?"

"What tone? I got no tone," Eren hurried to say, sounding completely innocent.

"Hmmm," Levi hummed, letting it slide this time. "Please do not mess it up. Be gentle."

Eren took a step closer, whispering to his ear. "With all this butter, it'll be smooth."

Levi felt a hand brush against his buttocks briefly. "Eren!" Levi was trying not to think about what Eren just suggested. There certainly was not a blush trying to creep on his cheeks.

"What?" Eren quickly retreated back to his spot with a smirk blasted on his face and got on his task. "What now?"

Levi huffed, his feathers still ruffled by Eren's bashfulness. "Mix in the flour mixture." He gave the bowl to Eren.

"Do I whip it gently or knead it?" Eren was not looking at the bowl. Levi wanted to smack him for staring at his ass.

"Mix it together until it becomes an even dough."

"No kneading?" There it was again, the suggestive note in Eren's voice.

"Not this time."

"Does that mean there will be some other time?" Eren looked hopeful and it was heard in his voice as well.

"Eren," Levi said with a warning tone.

"But I'd love to do some hard kneading." Eren took a step closer once again, while mixing the ingredients together.

"I'll knead your face if you won't stop with those ridiculous things you say."

"But, Levi, I'll be gentle."

"I don't care, now do your job, brat." He certainly did care but the cookies needed to be done.

Eren pouted but finished making the dough. "Here's your precious dough, sir."

"Thank you," Levi snatched the bowl from Eren's hands. "Now get a spoon and start... why am I even talking to you. I already know that-"

"Spooning sounds like fun." Eren just had to say it did he? "I know how much you like it."

"Eren, stop it."

"But it's true!"

"I'll show you the real meaning of spooning if you don't honestly cut it out."

"Ooooh."

"Don't get excited. It will be painful I promise you."

"Uuuuh, kinky."

"Eren." He was warning the brat again but the dunce did not listen.

"Alright, what do I do?"

Levi gave him two spoons. "Take some with one and use the other to set the piece of the dough on this."

"Ooh, you even have a baking tray ready to receive the dough." There goes the eyebrows wiggling at him again.

"I swear to god, Eren."

"I'm not religious so maybe he will ignore your pleas for help."

Levi was ready to strangle his helper. "Tell me why I agreed to this?"

"Because you needed someone to do the whipping."

Of course. Levi wanted to cry. Let the tears of frustration fall from his eyes. "I can't believe this. No matter what I say..." he trailed off.

"If you need to dig a hole maybe we should get a shovel instead of two spoons."

Levi sighed. "I'm going to use that shovel to bang you.. no god no," he groaned as he realized his mistake.

"Bang you say." Eren's face split into a devilish grin. "I hope you bang me hard."

"I hate you!"

"Sure you do," Eren's whole presence was triumphant at this point.

"This is all your fault, you shitty brat."

"Hey, I've only been helping out with the cookies like you asked, whipping and buttering with some spooning."

Levi hesitated to open his mouth again. Eren had managed to make him think how everything had a double meaning. "Then get on with the spoons."

"Oh, I am not sure how to use them."

"You gotta be kidding me."

"Please, Levi, show me how to spoon properly."

"You know I'm going to kill you."

Eren's grin only grew wider. "No, you won't."

"Give me those." Levi snatched the spoons from Eren's hands. Even though he knew the brat was kidding about not knowing he still showed him. He scooped the dough into a spoon. "You use this other one to push it off," he said, demonstrating how Eren would get a small portion of portion of the dough on the tray.

Eren moved to stand behind him, peering over his shoulder carefully. "And then?"

"Rinse and repeat."

"So I keep doing that again and again until the bowl is empty?" Eren's question seemed innocent but the way he pressed against Levi certainly was not.

"Yeah." That didn't sound breathless at all, right? He coughed once. "Yeah," he said again with steadier voice. Levi shook his head. He would not let the brat get the better of him. "Just get on with it."

"Sure, sure." Eren did not, however, move. He stayed where he was, pressed against Levi and that irked the older man. He needed to get away or his irritation would dissipate and it would turn into a different kind of irritation altogether.

Eren took hold of the spoon in Levi's left hand. "What if I just hold this and you use the other?" The brat knew what he was doing, his breath ghosting over Levi's bare neck as he spoke. "I'll hold still and you push down."

"Eren." If the young man said one more thing like that, he'd regret it.

Levi did not need to look at Eren to know he was smirking. "You sure are tough nut to crack."

"I do not want to hear any jokes about cracks, please."

"I did not imply anything like that!" Eren laughed. "Although I'd split your crack any day."

"Oh. My. God." Levi did not believe his ears. "That was the worst I've heard yet!"

Eren's body vibrated with laughter that broke through his lips. Levi felt every tremor of it and he was not going to admit he liked the feeling.

"I'm sorry," Eren said, drying his tears of mirth. "Even I admit that was a bad one."

"Good."

Eren hummed couple of times, preventing himself from laughing out loud. "Where were we?" he asked with his voice dipping low again. "Oh yes, I serve, you push." The smirk was back on his face. "You know, these cookies are going to be great."

"Damn straight."

"Says a guy who isn't."

Levi stepped on his foot.

"Ouch! What the hell, Levi."

"Get back to work, idiot," He tried to sound threatening but he failed. They spooned the rest of the dough on the baking tray in silence. Eren letting out a laugh here and there but Levi did not ask why. He secretly enjoyed the feeling of Eren against him and the whiffs of air that landed on his neck when the young man laughed.

"We should do this more often." It was a statement and Levi chose not to answer it. Levi tried not to think about how Eren's right hand rested on his hip gently.

Eren placed his spoon into the now empty bowl. Levi offered his for him to put away too but instead of simply taking it from his fingers, Eren clasped Levi's hand in his. The action caused Levi to turn to look at Eren questioningly. Part of him wished he hadn't because he came to realize just how close Eren's face was to his own and the emerald eyes looking down at him were captivating.

Levi tried to swallow but his mouth was dry. He quickly looked away from Eren, slipping away from his touch completely. "The oven must be hot by now," he said, feigning ignorance that the atmosphere had not just gotten any different.

"Hot, yes," Eren was obviously not talking about the oven. "I did not turn it on."

Levi took a double take at Eren's face and the oven. "What?!" He huffed. "It would be ready by now!"

"I know," Eren said still sounding like he was not back to the reality. "That's why I didn't."

"Eren, why not?" Eren took a step towards him, closing the cap between them again. Suddenly Levi was not so sure if he could handle the answer Eren would give him. He should have seen it coming. Eren had been harassing him all day with his bad seduction attempts.

"I thought it would be the perfect excuse to spending some more time with you."

Now that touched some distant part of Levi's heart that he did not even remember that existed. "That has to be the first sane thing you say today."

Eren smiled at him. "I did try my best to give you a hint."

"You succeeded. Don't worry about that."

Eren's arms wound around Levi lightly and Levi did nothing to stop him. "You know, it takes about twenty minutes for the oven to heat up. What do you say if we heat things up a bit too?"

"That's pretty blunt."

Eren looked up to the ceiling for a second or two. "Well, my roundabout ways did not seem to work."

"Just because I'm not ready to open up my cookie jar for you after the first pick up line does not mean it didn't work."

"Levi!" Eren looked at him eyes wide.

"What? It wasn't that bad."

"No, no, I'm just happy." Eren squeezed him into a tight hug.

"You are going to make me crumble." Levi could not believe he was starting to pick upon Eren's way of speaking. He would end up saying silly things himself too now. "God damn I hate you."

Eren just laughed, pulling back to look into Levi's eyes once again. "So what about we turn more than one things on in this kitchen, hmm?"

"That sounds more like it." Levi decided enough was enough and yanked Eren down into a kiss. It caught him by surprise and Levi was more than happy to exploit the parted lips by sticking his tongue down Eren's throat.

Even though Eren's moan was a delightful sound and Levi wanted to hear more of them, he had to turn the oven on or the cookies might be left unbaked. He gently pushed himself away from Eren as he picked the right degree setting on the oven. "You think twenty minutes is enough? That seems awfully fast but then again you are young," Levi teased Eren who blushed.

"That was uncalled for."

"Really? I'm just preparing myself for the disappointment."

Eren looked shocked. "You are close to crossing the line."

"I see no lines here, Eren. Only you, me and some cookies. The cookies will be wonderful but what about you? Ready to prove me wrong?"

The challenge made Eren's eyes gleam in an exciting way. "I'll make you eat your words."

"I'm looking forward to that," was all he had time to say when Eren was already on him, pining him to the kitchen counter. He would have none of that and so Levi spun them around. Eren looked surprised when he found himself being the one trapped. "I'll butter your biscuit, Eren."

"By all means," Eren answered breathlessly before dipping his head to capture Levi's mouth with his.

Levi was more than pleased with Eren's response as he slipped his hand under Eren's apron that he had made him wear. Levi boldly brushed his hand over Eren's groin, adding pressure as Eren pressed against his hand eagerly.

Levi knew this was probably a bad idea but to hell with reason! He could always think this as an added bonus. Levi made a quick work of Eren's pants, getting them undone in record time while Eren's teeth did something wonderful to his neck. He might have let a moan or two of his own slip past his lips before he yanked Eren's pants down.

He grabbed Eren's butt and lifted him up on the counter. Eren was once again surprised. Levi used this state of his mind to his advantage and slipped Eren's pants off rest of the way before moving in between them himself. Levi pulled Eren down into another kiss, licking his lower lip as he let his hands roam around Eren's nether regions.

Eren pulled away with a gasp which caused Levi to chuckle. "Cat caught your tongue or why so quiet?" He pumped Eren's cock, loving the look on the young man's face. Eren's cheeks were flushed, lips parted and eyes shut.

"Levi," he whispered. "Keep doing that."

Levi smirked as he let his fingers play on the young man's cock, watching closely for his reactions. "I'm going to fuck you against this counter."

"Oh my god," Eren breathed out.

Levi's smirk grew wider. "God won't help pagans like you, Eren." Levi remembered Eren's previous comment about not being religious.

"Shut up," Eren hissed out without any venom in his voice as he enjoyed the moment.

Levi reached for the butter that had been left on the counter. It was nicely soft after being out in the warm room for so long. Levi would not normally ever consider using something like that as lube but now he had no other choice. He surely did not want to leave. He lifted one of Eren's legs over his shoulder. Eren fell back on his elbows and looked at him questioningly.

"I'm doing what you proposed," Levi simply said before he slipped a buttered finger inside Eren who cursed at the sudden intrusion. "Don't worry, it will slide in easily."

Eren moaned. "I'm sure it will." Eren threw his head back when Levi found his sweet spot. "God damn you," he said under his breath.

"Damn me all you want. This was your idea in the first place."

Eren bit his lower lip as he tried not to get too swept away by the pleasure being given to him by Levi.

There was a small ding sound. "The oven is hot," Eren pointed out, not really caring about it.

"Just like your ass." Levi curled his fingers inside Eren and Eren jolted slightly. "Do you want me to put the tray in?" Levi let his tongue say the word lazily as he looked Eren in the eyes.

"Yes, please do," Eren pleaded.

Levi's other hand left Eren's cock and he pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the hem of Eren's apron. Eren was not expecting his next move which was to go and actually put the baking tray into the oven.

"What the..." Eren called out.

Levi set a small alarm clock to fifteen minutes, setting it down on the counter far away enough. "We have fifteen minutes. You better make it worth it. I'm not burning my cookies because of you."

"Then maybe take your pants off?" Eren suggested when Levi walked back to him.

Levi made a show of it, opening them slowly and making sure Eren was watching every move of his hands. He once again took some of the butter to coat himself. He wanted to grimace for having to use butter but just this once he'd make this exception. Next time Eren would start hitting on him in the kitchen, he'd chase him out and tie him to a bed and... His mind ran wild. He mentally reprimanded himself for letting his mind wander ahead when he had Eren right here ready to be taken on his kitchen counter.

He didn't ask if Eren was ready or not when he pulled him close, positioning himself to just a thrust away from fulfilling his need. He did not ask but he did take a look at Eren's face and it was enough. Thus he proceeded fucking the hell out of Eren who could not keep his voice down to safe his life. Eren did not complain even once when Levi was a bit rough. Nor did he complain when Levi pulled out, coming all over Eren. "Oops, I buttered the wrong side."

What Eren did do was laugh at the bad joke as much as his hazy mind let him.

Levi concluded it had been a successful baking session. In the end they managed to make excellent cookies. One could say the day ended up being satisfying in more ways than one.


End file.
